He Asks a Courage to Ask and 100% of Hope

There is this temporary belief that I need to challenge, or even to let go. Why did I say ‘temporary’? Cos the current situation I am in makes me believe such ideas exist.

I somehow have this tricky thought in mind like it seems that God makes it difficult to give what I have asked for. Emm… let me put in a nicer way, what I want is not what God wants, right? And God will give what I needs, but not what I want. Cos He definitely knows what I need in the present time. Yeap, then I came to the conclusion above.

I have been praying for certain things that I have been wanting badly. I want to get student exchange to Japan. I wanted to quit my part-time job once I came back to Perth. I want to buy a car and get the driver’s license.

But it seems that my every wanted list is straying away from me. Not being pessimistic, I was offered a place in my first choice university. I was very happy until I realised that I couldn’t get any scholarship from the university nor Curtin. Eventually I had to let go the offer.

And about quiting my part-time job, I have every good reason to quit. My third year must be the year of study. Focusing myself on study and a career that I long for, I need to invest time wisely in what I am doing at the moment. When I am a student, I will be a very good student. The time when I graduate, that’s the time I will go for a proper job. So I prayed and begged. But unfortunately the situation didn’t allow me to quit, I still have to keep part-time job in my timetable.

It’s kinda weird. As I believe what I say, I encourage friends with some favourite lines of mine, God will give you the best, or He has planned the best for you.

But don’t you see the problem in me? I am hiding behind those lines. God will give me the best! I actually didn’t put a purely 100% hope in God. Why can’t I say I will get the student exchange, I will drive and I will spend time wisely? When I said my favourite lines, I actually have doubts that God gives what I long for. Without realising that I am protecting myself so I won’t get hurt nor disappointed with the outcome, I actually don’t trust God’s goodness overflowing every time. As a result I saw that what God has in store is different from my wish list.

I am learning here. I am praying that God change my narrow ingrained belief. As I am learning to put 100% hope in Him, I should have no doubt that He will fail me. I should have realised that God knows how much I long for those things.

So much, You understand me even before You formed me in the womb.

~ by annice on February 18, 2008.